


Losing control

by yuume



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-06
Updated: 2014-03-06
Packaged: 2018-01-14 17:31:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1274989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yuume/pseuds/yuume
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>in a new life, eren doesn't have titan powers but they're replaced by something far more deadly and far more finite</p>
            </blockquote>





	Losing control

Spinocerebellar ataxia: A degenerative disease in which the cerebellum is slowly shrinking. Slowly the person suffering from this will lose their motor skills and verbal skills. Currently there is no known cure.

Month 1

Ever since he started remembering, he began his tedious journey of finding that shit ass brat. After a good year of searching, he finally found him.

It was at a small local cafe when he spotted that mess of brown hair, those vibrant green eyes, and that goofy grin. There he was, still with Ackerman and Arlet, sipping on his ice cappuccino.  
Compared to before, he looked happier. Much more relaxed and less tired. 

He remembered calling out to him and seeing confusion and shock cross his eyes in the span of 5 seconds. He could still hear those two familiar syllables ‘heichou’ uttered from his lips, before the tall brunet tackled him.

That was one of rare times he gave a smile. 

Eren’s embrace, his smell, his smile...everything flooded back to him. The horrors of seeing him being sliced in half by the military police finally washed away.  
.  
.  
.  
.

“Levi-san?” The said male felt Eren’s hand tightly grip his. “It’ll be fine...I’ll be fine.”

Just a few weeks ago, he began noticing abnormalities in Eren. He knew the brat was clumsy but not that clumsy.

In fact in the span of a week, Eren had fell down five times and stumbled a good eight times. At first he wanted to brush it off as the shitty brat being his dumbass self, but there was a nagging feeling that told him something was off. So after much persuasion, he finally got Eren to agree to go to the hospital.

“I’m probably just tired,” Eren continued trying to ease the tension. “With exams around the corner, I haven’t really been sleeping that well.”

“Yeah, maybe,” Levi muttered, that nagging feeling still not going away.

Sighing, Eren slouched back against the plushy chair and returned to staring blankly at the wall. One thing he learned during his time with Levi was that once he was worried about something there was no pacifying him.

Falling silent, they waited for the doctor to return with the results of the test.  
.  
.  
.  
After another good ten minutes, the clacking of heels could be heard from outside the small office before the door was swung open.

“Sorry for the wait,” she apologized as she grabbed the x rays and rammed it into the screen like machine and flipped on the switch. The glaring white light from the screen blinked a few times before finally turning on. 

“He’s fine right?” Levi asked the anxiety in his voice was clearly present. “He’s just tired right?”

A small grim look settled on the doctor’s face before it was quickly smothered. Clearing her throat, she pointed at the small dark gray near the bottom of the x ray. “Do you see this section here?” As if to emphasize, she gave a small tap. “This is Eren’s cerebellum. Compared to a healthy persons, his is shrinking. It’s called spinocerebellar ataxia”

“...What do you mean, shrinking?” This time it was Eren that spoke up.

Pushing up her classes, she continued. “It means that the cells are dying.”

“So…?”

“Do you know what the main function of the cerebellum is?” She gave a small pause before explaining. “This tiny organ controls motor functions. With it shrinking it means that Eren will eventually lose his coordination of muscle movement. Speech and eye movement will slowly become more difficult, and eventually this will lead to death.”

“There’s a cure right?” Levi cut in, the anxiety was now poorly concealed on his face. “I mean there has to be some kind of medication that can stop the cerebellum from shrinking right?” He felt Eren tighten his grip on his hand.

“There is medication to delay the degeneration but as of right now there is no cure.”

No cure.

A cold feeling spread through Levi as he stared down at the hand that engulfed his own.

Eren had just been diagnosed with an incurable disorder.

Month 5

True to the doctor’s words, Eren’s condition did worsen. From the occasional stumble, his hand eye coordination was slowly failing. He was no longer able to use chopsticks and writing was proving to be a difficulty.

“I can do it myself, Levi.” His voice came out clipped as he tried to stabilize his shaky hand. 

Falling silent Levi watched as the brunet tried to bring the spoon to his mouth. Tiny bits of rice flew off as it shook violently in his hand. 

“Damn it,” Eren muttered as he further tightened his grip. The shaking got slightly better. “See, I can do it myself!”

Wanting to mention that nearly half the rice had fallen during this simply movement, Levi bit his tongue and offered a weak smile.

“I’m not a complete invalid you know.” He boasted as he poured the rice into his mouth.

“Yea.” Levi gave a small chuckle, as he continued to watch Eren struggle but determined to eat by himself.

This unwavering determination and optimism gave Levi hope. Hope that maybe, just maybe Eren can hold out long enough for a cure to be found.

Maybe.

Month 6

Eren was due for his half year check up. 

By now the disease had progressed even further. Just a month ago he was still able to write legible sentences but now the words were coming out as squiggles and his motor skills were hit and miss.

Bruises and cuts covered his body from the constant tumbles, and Levi blames himself for every single one of them. 

He should have been there to catch him, to take care of him, but juggling work and tending to Eren was proving to be hard.

“Eren, I’m sorry.” 

The said male turned and stared down at Levi. A quizzical look crossed his face. “For what?”

Biting his lower lip, Levi’s eyes glazed over all the nasty purple marks down Eren’s arms. “I should have been there for you.”

“It’s fine,” Eren replied as he covered his arm. “It’s not your fault. Taking care of me and working is hard. So I don’t blame you at all.”

A sudden urge of frustration hit Levi as he slammed his hand down on the patient bed. “No, it’s not fine! You could have gotten seriously injured!”

“Levi?” Eren’s voice came out soft, as he placed a trembling hand on top of Levi’s clenched fist. “I didn’t get seriously injured, so please stop blaming yourself.”

Clasping his other hand on top of Eren’s shaky one, he tightened his hold.

He didn’t want to lose him.  
.  
.  
.  
Not loosening his grip, Levi remained silent enjoying Eren’s company as they waited for their doctor to come.

After a good ten minutes the sliding doors of the patient room finally opened and a tall man walked in.

“Good morning.” He paused to look down at the small chart in his hands. “Eren. How are you today?”

“Good.”

A large smile presented itself on the man’s face. “That’s great!” He beamed as he jotted down a couple notes on the clip board. Once he finished he place the pen down and extended a hand towards Eren. “I’m Erwin, and I’ll be your personal physician.”

With a shaky arm he shook the blond man’s hand.

“How have your movements been lately?” Erwin asked again.

“It’s goo-” Eren began before he was rudely cut off by Levi.

“It got worse. He’s falling more often, and is dropping things more.”

Almost as if seeing Levi for the first time in the room, Erwin looked down at the shorter male and extended a warm smile. “And you are?”

“Levi.” He replied not bothering to return the courtesy.

Not bothered by the slightly cold attitude from the shorter male, Erwin motioned Eren to get off the bed. 

With help from Levi, Eren slowly stood up.

“Great, now Eren I want you to walk towards me.” He ordered as he motioned for Eren to come. 

Carefully pulling his arm out from Levi’s support, Eren slowly walked towards the taller blond male. Each step his feet wobbled as he tried to maintain his balance.

“Alright stop.” Erwin spoke up again once Eren was a meter away from him. “Now I want you to use your finger and touch your nose.”

Using Levi as support, Eren raised his free arm and extended it outwards before bringing it back towards his nose. His arm quivered as he brought it close to his face. Each time, his finger hitting his cheek or eye instead of the nose.

“Thank you.” Erwin gave him a small nod before motioning for him to return to the bed.

Jotting down a few more notes, he looked up at the pair. His earlier cheerful expression was now hardened. “Your condition will only continue to get worse. I highly suggest that you get admitted into the hospital.” Pausing he briefly glanced over at the slight look of disapproval on Levi’s face. “Here, I can help you prolong what little motor ability you have left.”

“Okay,” Eren quickly answered before Levi even had the chance to open his mouth. “If I’m in the hospital, that mean Levi can focus on his work right?” He gave a wide grin to the shorter male.

Opening his mouth to reply, he closed it again.

Even when that brat was the one with the disease, Eren was always looking out him.

Month 8

It’s been two months since Eren was first admitted into the hospital, and every day Levi would rush there after work. 

On several occasions he would bring dinner for the two of them. While the hospital wasn’t the most romantic place to have a ‘date’ they made do with what they had. After all, beggars can’t be choosers.

Looking up from the empty bento box, a sly look crossed Eren’s face. “Hey, Levi?”

“Hm?”

“Since my movement abilities will probably diminish in the future, can you take me for a stroll around the hospital?”

Closing the lid on his own bento, he looked up at the brunet. “Are you even allowed to?”

Shrugging, Eren pouted and shakily grabbed Levi’s hand. “Come on, please.”

“Fine.” Levi sighed, as he pinched the bridge of his nose. “Just one lap.”  
.  
.  
.  
With Levi right be Eren’s side supporting him they walked a good half way around the hospital.

“Erwin says I’m doing much better!” Eren exclaimed excitedly as they took a small rest. “Wanna see?”

Seeing the excited and eager look on his face, Levi hesitantly let go.

A decision he came to regret not too long after.

He didn’t know what was happening, everything was going fine. Eren was walking (shakily) on his own. They were talking...everything was good.

Then the next minute later, he was watching Eren tumble down the staircase. He didn’t know what happened. Maybe he lost footing? Maybe he got dizzy? 

He didn’t know.

Stunned, he watched in horror as Eren rolled down the steps. His head bashing against the edge of the stairs as he fell. Stopping at the bottom with a loud thump, he laid there not moving.

“Eren?” Levi’s voiced came out slightly hoarse. 

Still no movement.

“EREN!” He yelled as he half stumbled half ran down the steps. Kneeling down beside the boy, he lifted Eren’s head off the ground and cradled it against his lap. “Eren wake up. EREN!”

His insides froze as he stared at the pool of blood on the ground and the not moving boy in his arms. 

This was his fault. He shouldn’t have let Eren walk in this area. He should have known better than to have let him go while they were near stairs.

This was his fault.

“EREN!”

Month 9

Ever since that incident, Levi began visiting the hospital less frequently. It seemed like every time he was around Eren, he always got hurt.

That’s why distancing himself was good. 

On numerous occasions the hospital called him telling him that Eren wanted to see him. Each time he made up an excuse not to go.

He knew he was hurting Eren each time, but if it meant preventing him from getting physically injured again, it was worth it.

In fact he wasn’t even planning on going today, but with the monthly hospital fees due. He begrudgingly dragged himself to the hospital. Having made up his mind about only paying the money then leaving, he thought he was mentally prepared.

However, upon entering those large glass doors, and breathing in that hospital smell, an overwhelming urge to see Eren overcame him.

Fuck.

Trying his best not to even look in the direction of Eren’s room, he nonetheless found his body drawn to it.

Just one peak wouldn’t hurt right?

Repeating to himself he was only going to sneak a glance, he walked towards Eren’s room. His mind plagued with unanswered questions

How was Eren doing? Was he getting better? Did he get worse? Was he eating properly? Sleeping properly?  
.  
.  
.

As he neared the room, he could distinctly make out the sound of screaming and crying. Picking up his pace, he nearly crashed into the door, before slamming it open.

“Eren! What’s wrong?” He half shouted as he entered. “Wha-” His words died in his mouth as he watched a hysterical boy slumped on the ground. His face red and eyes puffy from crying

“Eren, it’s okay this happens.” Levi could hear the nurse trying her best to pacify the boy.

Cautiously he took a step inside. “Eren?”

As if realizing for the first time that Levi was present, Eren’s face went from frustration to shock in less than a second.

“GET OUT!” He screamed as he inched away. “I DON’T YOU SEE ME THIS!”

Alarmed by what seemed like fear in Eren’s eyes and the jumble of words that tumbled out of his mouth, Levi took another step forward. “Eren, tell me what happened.” Another sniffle from the boy could be heard as he tried to hide away. 

Not easily dissuaded, Levi took another step forward as he scanned the boy for any injuries. Letting his eyes trailed down he noticed the large wet spot that marred the front of Eren’s hospital pants and what seemed to be a large puddle underneath his legs.

“I don’t want see me this,” Eren muttered. “Not this.”

“No,” Levi replied as he strode over to the sobbing boy and knelt down beside him. Not caring if his pants were getting soaked with urine. “I’m not leaving,” he said softly as he wrapped his arms around Eren and pulled him into his chest.

“I Levi,” Eren mumbled into Levi’s shirt.

“What?”

“I... Levi,” Eren repeated.

Furrowing his brows, he stared down at the mess of brown hair. Just now was he starting to realize that Eren was missing a lot of words in his sentences.

“Eren can you say that again,” he asked again wanting to confirm if his worse fear was coming true.

“I so Le.”

Levi’s felt his heart tighten as he stared down at the boy. Tears clouded his eyes as realization slowly dawned on him.

Eren was losing speech.

Month 12

It’s clear from the word ‘incurable’ that it means this disease only progress in one way, and that’s forward. 

Incurable means there is no getting better, no going backwards, no miracle.

In fact incurable would make a pretty good synonym for ‘no hope’

This being said, 3 month after the first onset of speech lose, Eren’s ability to form full sentences only got worse. 

It went from missing syllables to words to chunks of sentences.

By now, the only sounds Eren could make were grunts. His once vibrant green eyes never seemed focused. His legs could no longer support his body, and a catheter was always strapped on to prevent another peeing accident.

His only way of communication was with a plastic Hiragana chart. 

“You’ll get better,” Levi said gently as he stroked Eren’s matted brown hair. “I swear they’ll find a cure,” he continued, not sure if he was trying to comfort Eren or himself.

“Uhhh,” Eren grunted as he raised a shaky arm and pointed at the plastic chart. “Uuuhhh.”

“What is it? Do you want to write something?” Levi asked as he handed the board to Eren.

Curious, he peered over as Eren shakily held the chart in one hand as he used his other hand to slowly and quivering point at the characters.

“A.”

Eren moved his hand across the chart.

“I.”

Another move.

“Shi.”

Another tremble.

“Te.”

And another violent quiver, before he dropped the board on his lap.

“Ru.”

“Uhhhhhn,” he grunted again as raised his shaky hand and pointed it at Levi. His eyes were unfocused as they seemingly stared past him.

Biting his lower lip, Levi stared up at the ceiling as he blinked away tears.  
“I love you, too.”

“Hhunnn,” Eren grunted as the corner of his mouth shakily twitched upward in what was an attempt at a smile.

Looking away from Eren, Levi let the tears flow down his face.

Even in another life, they were never going to be able to grow old together will they?


End file.
